Valentine's Day Post

I told myself I wouldn't post a special blog for today, but it seems I'm too weak to resist the urge. I don't have a girlfriend. In fact, I haven't had a relationship in my life. I'm not interested in dating someone just for the sake of dating. Of course, there have been those who I have liked, but I suppose I never really liked them as much as I thought I did if I'm still single. But that's all right. It's all been working out how it's suppose to. Lately, I've learned some things about myself and those around me. This may sound sappy, but I'm waiting until I feel I can give the proper love to the one I really want to pursue. In short, I'm looking for the one. I think it's a cheesy sentiment, but I can't help it. I'm a big softy at heart.

Below is a piece appropriate for the "holiday". It's extremely melodramatic and emotional, but at the time I wrote it, it was entirely honest. I still think the piece carries some power, and eventually I hope to channel that ability into a story idea. Anyway, enjoy the piece. And Happy Valentine's day!


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Two People at a Table

We’re sitting across from each other. 

I wonder what you think as I look into your brown eyes. I wonder what you feel when you look into mine. For a long time have I felt the feelings that swell inside me. For a long time have I dealt with the emotions that toss and turn like the ocean during a storm. I want to say how I long to be with you, to hold you, to hold your hand, and to kiss you. I want to say I want you to be mine, but I’m afraid to.

            I tell you I care for you. I tell you I’m here for you. I tell you I trust you. You tell me you appreciate my honesty, and that you trust me, “quite a bit.” Yet I wonder if we are getting anywhere. What I am feeling when I see you? Am I relishing in wishful thinking? Or am I following my heart in what feels like true companionship? I don’t know what to believe, you’re so difficult to gauge.

            We didn’t always get along. We weren’t always friends. I remember when we were here before, talking as we are now, and I remembered you stormed out on me. I thought the feelings I had about you were mutual, that you were just a friend. But when you walked out, I realized, you were more than that. I buried those feelings. I told myself I didn’t care, I told myself you weren’t the one, I told myself you weren’t my friend, I even told myself you weren’t a good person. I was lying.

            Then we reconciled. We made amends. You had a problem and wouldn’t tell me. But I tore down the wall you had built. You opened up to me. I saw the joy that lied within, the harmony, the sweetness, the girl that I knew was there from the moment we met. 

That was some time ago.

            Here we are, sitting at a table across from one another. We’ve talked for hours. The sun has vanished from the sky. The restaurant is empty save for us. And yet, I still wonder if you feel the way I do. If you think about me the way I think about you. If you only knew the pain I go through everyday because of my feelings for you.

            How do I tell you I want to be yours? How do I say you’re everything to me? How do I say you’re so embedded in my thoughts I sometimes can’t think straight. That sometimes I can’t even remember what I’m doing at the grocery store because every time I look at another, I see you. Life, once made of color, has turned to shades of gray. When you enter, you shine with a luminescence that can’t be matched. No one else matters but you. I look at my phone when we’re apart, hoping I’ll get something, a text, a call. I try to limit how much I talk to you online because I don’t want to push.

            If you only knew…

            Give me your hand. Let me feel the touch that may never come. Let me be the man who can care for you. Let me be the man who loves you. Let me be the one you can lean on. I want you to hold me when the world gets rough. I want you to tell me things will be okay. I long for your voice to be next to mine, I long to smell your hair while we lie in bed.

            This turbulence kills me. It slices me open and makes me weak. My mind has been compromised. I’ve given up ever feeling normal again. I’ve realize what a foolish dance love is, but all I want to do is learn. Let me tell you how I feel. Tell me you feel the same. I want to know, because not knowing is poisoning my heart.

            We’re sitting across from each other…